This is NOT What I Expected!

“Hope for the Best. Expect the worst. Life is a play. We’re unrehearsed.” ― Mel Brooks.

It’s funny. You dream of a day, a meal, an experience, a career and it doesn’t turn out the way you expected AT ALL!

Now what?

Sometimes we aim too low on our expectations and we are pleasantly surprised. Other times, and likely much more frequently, we expect too much from something or someone and it doesn’t happen the way we hoped.

Let the wailing and gnashing of teeth begin!

Expectations can be the death of a relationship (and sometimes that is ok) but a dose of reality is always important.

Take my most recent haircut, for example.

I always agonize when we relocate because it surely means two things: I need to find a new mechanic I can trust and I need to find a new person to cut my hair in a way that looks good on me.

Ugh on both points!

What I was going for.... — What I was going for….

I have been avoiding a haircut since September when we moved. I did break down and get a trim in February but that is all I had the courage to do before yesterday. And by yesterday I was already way overdue for a haircut. I called in the morning and she could take me at 1:30 the same day. Wow! I was excited! I even had this photo as an example of the cut and style I was interested in.

Granted, I was not going to wear makeup and I was not dressed quite as fancy and I don’t have the same smile BUT this is what I walked out with:

I guess it is close, but not close enough to what I was hoping for. This experience reminded me of some important truths:

We are working with people who most often do not always see things from the same perspective or we have more confidence in them than is warranted.

And let’s take it a step further: We are dealing with people who have some deep wounds we don’t know about or they think have been healed or ____________ (fill in the blank)!

Working with human beings is pretty tricky stuff. When we are deep in a relationship with someone we sometimes experience some very difficult things with them. Other times we miss things that are very important for others because we are in the middle of our own stuff. All of that messes with expectations: yours, mine, and theirs.

Pay attention to your relational expectations. Even if they are truly justified and reasonable, sometimes the other party is not in the same book as you, let alone on the same page.

I do believe God’s grace covers a multitude of sins. I have a multitude of my own sins to worry about. So while I might want to stomp around being ‘justified’ about my irritations or aggravations I most often need to move along and let God work on me and my attitude. As I ponder His grace poured out on me and my life, it feels pretty stingy to withhold it from others.

Are you struggling with expectations today? How do you work through those times of disappointment when you or others have “dropped the ball” or intentionally challenged your hopes and dreams?

When I am in a good space, I tend to seek God on the matter. When I struggle with it the most it seems I have drifted a bit from God’s perspective.

As for my hair, I just have to wait for it to grow out. I suspect that strategy of waiting (and praying) works well with a multitude of unmet expectations. I trust that God will work it out even when I can’t possibly see the solution.

We will be traveling….

Elizabeth, Hannah and I will be visiting our relatives in Hungary and working on our conversational Hungarian for the month of March so I will not be posting during that time.

You can pray for:

Our travel

Our language acquisition

Our health

Our relatives (who will be letting us hang out with and learn from them! Most of them do not speak English so it is important we are able to communicate with the Hungarian we do know — and will be learning!)

Please feel free to pray for anything else that comes to mind. We are excited about our trip but we are also a wee bit nervous!

If you are on Instagram and you want to see what we are up to, you can follow MagyarMarketing (our business account) or #mmhungary2014 which will allow you to see each of our perspectives because the girls will also be posting pics.

Compromise is Not a Dirty Word!

Compromise happens at work, at home, in friendships, at church, and driving during rush hour…you have a place you are trying to get to and someone barrels in with their plan. Do you cause an accident or let them merge?

Everyone must be willing to compromise in some areas but determining when it is appropriate is so tricky! There are also times when compromise shouldn’t happen and that is equally as important. Some personalities love to be in charge and being willing to concede is extraordinarily painful for them but all the more necessary. Other personalities so desire peace (or acceptance, etc.) that they are open to compromising too much and that can cause problems. Who you are and who you are dealing with are very important things to consider in this business of compromise in addition to “the compromise” itself.

Does your compromise actually stand in the way of what you hope to achieve? Are there fears and regrets in the middle of the compromise? Are you surrendering your better judgement or core values? Some things are really not that important and other things can change the course of your life…forever.

So what if you find yourself in a situation where you have compromised a little too much, are experiencing regret, and are having a difficult time getting back to “the line in the sand” you had previously established? Maybe establishing “the line” wasn’t important previously but as you grow and mature you see the benefit from having a boundary. Ponder the situation. Pray about the situation. If your heart is restless, I would guess that the compromise you struggle with is probably more than should have been surrendered. Sometimes you can ask yourself “How do I wish this situation looked right now?” and that might give you a clue to what you should be working towards. Have you talked it over with a trusted and wise friend? Have you visited with a trained counselor?

Boundaries can change over time and there are times they definitely should. Consider a parent who is in charge of their child’s every day. Typically, the day will come when that child moves away. Has the parent given them wings to fly when the time comes by allowing the child (young adult, adult) increasing opportunity to make decisions and grow in being responsible for themselves? This is tricky business for parents but it can also be difficult at work, as you volunteer, and in many other relationships. Too much compromise can lead to regret and anger and an unsettling feeling. Too little compromise can lead to relationship challenges.

Pray for those you see compromising too much. Pray for those who are too often unyielding to ideas that don’t come from their own mind. Both extremes have their challenges. Spend some time thinking about your life and your compromises. If you are struggling with regret, seek God’s forgiveness. If you are struggling with anger, seek God’s peace.

The Meat is in the Marriage!

You may have heard that our sweet Landon proposed to his sweet Grace. Oh, we knew it was coming….they have been dating quite a few years and are hopelessly devoted to one another. That devotion will carry them through the inevitable ups and downs they will encounter in this life.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to sneakily communicate to Landon and Grace through this post–I have been saying stuff like this for years to all of our kids, so they know my spiel! But we are seeing a lot of engagements this year and I have just have a couple of things on my mind.

Just so you know, Grace accepted Landon’s offer! We love Grace and we love her family and we are looking forward to the big party in November! Landon and Grace are in the throes of planning because this wedding is their deal and while we are supportive, if it gets too much for them to plan, then it is probably getting to be too much. Know what I mean? When you are marrying your best friend, everything else is gravy….non-essential…..The meat is in the marriage.

Have you seen the crazy tv shows out there? There is Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezillas, Four Weddings, etc., and with all kinds of things being posted in various media outlets it seems there is a fair amount of pressure to have some fabulous (read: EXPENSIVE) shindig. I am all for fun but I am not all for debt. And some of these potentially beautiful brides act so ugly. I suspect the pressure of juggling everyone’s expectations contributes to this ugliness. Marriage is hard enough work without having the financial burden (and pressure) of wedding and honeymoon debt due to “perfect details”. If you are getting married soon and getting overrun by details keep reminding yourself “I am marrying the person I don’t want to live without and that is the most important detail of the day!” And if you can’t say that, then we have some other talking to do!

Don’t misread what I am saying: There is nothing wrong with having as big and wonderful and detailed a wedding as you can afford to have . . .

but what level of effort and energy and expense goes into the life that follows that sweet day?

I haven’t decided if having Pinterest and wedding planners are good things or not. Ideas are great–particularly ideas that help something be affordable. So, in that sense, Pinterest is great. Wedding Planners? Well, I suppose they may have their place, but it is a tiny place in the corner of a very large universe. Very tiny. Generally speaking, I think wedding planners signal that our lives are way too busy or we are envisioning way too complicated of a day! With all the details and pressure it is no wonder people run off and elope or hire someone to tend to the details! Often mothers and grandmothers and aunts all seem to have their ideas and expectations for an upcoming wedding…and then the guest list…don’t get me started! There are so many difficult decisions to make even for a relatively simple event.

And women aren’t the only ones who are stressed! Think of the pressure guys are under to be romantic and have a photographer sneakily snapping some photos of his perfect proposal. Never mind the guy has just had to find and pay for a ring and come up with some clever way to declare his undying love and affection (think of some of the proposals that are super public–like on the big screen at a ball game…oh boy…)

Talk about pressure….

And we haven’t even touched on the wedding yet—the date, the wedding party decisions and discussions, the colors, the food and beverages, the readings, the vows, the musicians, the honeymoon… So much preparation goes into the day. And for those who love to plan this kind of stuff–they are in their element. For others it can be a challenge.

Any discussion on budgets and debt and what are our dreams and goals for this life? What about children? What about education or travel? What about church? What about your history and how will it impact your future? What about volunteering? Do you have a place to live? Do you have enough for the bills and savings? Do you have a contingency plan? Are you committed for the long haul???

I think if you are utterly exhausted by the planning of the wedding you might need to re-evaulate your efforts. If the meat is in the marriage then everything else is really gravy. And I believe the day should be simple enough that you enjoy it without getting stressed about too many details!

Think of the effort invested in the proposal, engagement, wedding and honeymoon….are you committed to putting all that and more into your marriage?

Marriage will take more of you than you thought you had to give and will reveal your selfishness like nothing else. It requires sacrifice. It is about compromise.

Are you ever really ready for marriage? I doubt it. One thing that is certain is you need a team effort! And a commitment! If you go overboard trying to figure out if you are ready, well, you probably won’t ever be because, honestly, who ever really is? Having God in the center of your life and marriage can make a significant difference in how you view yourself and your spouse and how you deal with the inevitable conflicts and troubles that will come.

If you have been married for any length of time, what advice do you have for those getting ready for this big adventure?

Do Your Best…

We are told “do your best”! But what if your best isn’t:

a) good enough?
b) possible?
c) worth the effort given the circumstance/time frame?
d) [fill in the blank]

And how often do you find yourself disappointed in others when they don’t choose to do “their best”?

There are many times I don’t give my best effort. I make plenty of mistakes. Sometimes I am tired and overcommitted. And if I wait to be sure I only “do my best” than some things simply won’t ever be done! Can you relate?

What is good enough? What is close enough? If you berate someone for their effort–even if you know it wasn’t their best effort–what are you accomplishing?

If you have demanded or simply expected the best of others this week it is very likely you were disappointed with the results. Aside from Jesus, perfection isn’t possible. So look at those around around you. Look for ways to encourage and celebrate their contributions. Don’t always try to sneak in correction with a compliment. Recognize that there often isn’t only one right way. Instruction is good but constant instruction can be exhausting to receive.

Have you been too hard on yourself because you have made decisions that weren’t “the best” and they have lead you to a difficult place? I think we probably all have regrets. And some of our concern for others involves our regrets about our own behavior. Most people will not glean as much from the experiences of others as they will from their own experiences, as difficult to watch as that may be. Most people learn life lessons by living their life.

If you have been difficult to live with due to your incredibly high expectations of yourself or others, maybe it is time to re-evaluate your hopes and dreams. Be sure they are closer in line with reality and bathed in God’s love and grace. No one makes the best choice or invests their best effort all the time and your response to those choices will say a lot about the future of your relationship. Your love and grace can make all the difference!

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

People Watching…People Praying…

I love people!

I have always been fascinated by the variety in people–hair and skin color, sizes and shapes but I also love (and sometimes hate) the dynamics in relationships and what makes people tick and personalities and where they have been and where they are going! It seems to be easier to observe the sheer variety of people here in New York because I feel pretty anonymous and pretty average. Grand Central Station is a great place to people watch but so is the train, the subway, the doctor’s office, the coffee shop. And, to be honest, when someone looks or behaves in an interesting way, most people have a tendency to take note. I think that is the point behind out-standing looks or behavior ~ the desire to be seen.

Do you ever find yourself wondering about everyone’s story? Or is it just me?

I am one of those people that tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and that is much easier to do when I am in a good space. I really have no clue what most people have been through and why certain things affect people in so many different ways. I only truly know me and what goes on in my brain when I am making a decision.

And sometimes I clearly was not thinking when I made some wild decisions but that is a post for another day.

When I have a moment to observe and ponder, I often pray. I pray that God blesses, comforts, and provides for that person and meets them at their need. I pray God brings people into their lives that are encouraging and uplifting and supportive. I pray for the people in their lives. I pray that God reveals Himself to them through the gift of Faith.

Next time you are out and about, there might be someone like me near you. And if they are anything like me, they will wonder about your life and what brought you here to this moment and how this journey is going for you…

They might wonder about the hard places you have been and wondered what brings refreshment to your soul and if you have someone you can call when life is hard…

If everyone picked out a “stranger” to pray for just think how it might change their perspective towards them. That really frustrating person in line might have a back story no one could even possibly imagine, let alone live through. Sometimes it is easier to pray for someone we know less about because their questionable behavior doesn’t affect us quite so personally and the disconnect provides us with a perspective and a patience. And might I offer that there are plenty of people in the world that no one is praying for…of course, we don’t know who those people are but it stands to reason that not everyone has someone praying for them.

If all the People Watching were People Praying what a kind of place would the world be?

Time for friendships…

I appreciate the variety of friends God has brought into my life! And while strong friendships do not need daily, weekly or even monthly contact, it is important to check in on occasion.

Is there one person you miss and haven’t been in touch with in the last year or more? If you are like me, there are probably many more than just one. But take this as an encouragement to commit to connecting with one person this week with a homemade card, a handwritten letter, a text, a phone call or a visit.

I was able to do just that within the last week…a long overdue conversation with a dear dear friend. It started with a text…and moved to a possible day to connect…then switched to another day…but it finally happened and was a wonderful pause in a busy week! It was a blessing and encouragement to both of us!

Has someone special crossed your mind yet?

Are you waiting for a friend to contact you? Consider making the first move! True friendships don’t always have to be tit for tat on connecting. I have a lot of grace when it comes to friendships because there are many times in my own life when the seasons have been so busy and it takes some time to come out of it and look around and see beyond the immediate needs of small children, aging parents, illness, job changes, etc. If we haven’t been in touch within the last year, well, it has been awfully crazy for me so I assume it has been at least a little crazy for you too.

If you are a little behind in your connecting, pick one friend a month (that’s 12 for 2014) to connect with via a phone call or a letter. And by the end of this year you will be on your way to catching up!

Routine…

Predictable…Consistent….Reliable….

It’s the New Year and as I evaluate where I have been and where I am going I feel like I could use some more routine in my life. I seem to go in spurts of focus and that takes a toll on my consistency. Of course, we just came off of a wild year so I am craving a little predictability, I suppose. I don’t do a load of laundry every day to keep up with it. I typically do a day of laundry so I can focus on it. [Really, who am I kidding? Don usually does the laundry now…] But when I was doing laundry I tried to get it all done in a day because it was easier to focus on getting it all done in one day instead of a little every day.

I don’t know how this idea of routine will work for me. And I surely won’t do this in every area of my life but I will in two areas for sure and one of them is PrayerPoints. I have weighed the pros and the cons of the 40 days of Lent posts against a weekly consistency for a couple of years. The truth is, I like focusing on it for 40 days and leaving it up to chance (and, consequently, minimal posting the rest of the year). With my mind very intentionally focused for those 40 days, I feel like I could easily write 100 PrayerPoints because there are so many things that lead my mind down that path. But I don’t like that I don’t ponder quite as much (nor commit to paper as much) during the rest of the 325 days.

This year I will embark on a new routine! On Sunday or Monday of each week I will post a PrayerPoint. In the end, I am only committing to 52 PrayerPoints vs 40 PrayerPoints. it’s hardly an increase. But switching it up will switch up my routine. And I feel like that is something I need right now. It will help me to practice being consistent.

As you think about the routines in your life you certainly will find some that should stay, some that should be eliminated, and some that should be initiated. I challenge you to think about one area you plan to be intentional about this year and whisper it to someone you trust. Let them cheer you on and help you dust off the dirt if you fall. Sharing your journey–the good and the bad–the encouragement and the disappointment–is one of the blessings on being here on this Earth at the exact same moment as the others in your life! Then set about charting your course for success by making a plan. Allow yourself for some grace and take it one step at a time!

And when you are ready to make your whisper a shout, I would love to know what you are working on this year!

I learned several important things this year….

After a wild and crazy year I have discovered a few important things. Here are my top ten so far:

Family ~ Our kids really like each other and like to spend time together. How did I learn that? Well, I suspected it because they would get together separately for lunch out, movie night or some other way of connecting. But, boy oh boy, move 2 of them 14 hours away from the other 2 and there is no end to the complaints about our new situation! Heart warming and heart wrenching at the same time!

Love ~ I hung out with Don for most of a day nearly every day (in less than ideal circumstances) for 5 months AND we got along great! If that is a glimpse into retirement, we should do just fine.

History ~ You never know who from your past will make an appearance in your future. And you never know who in your today won’t be involved in your life ever again. Relationships are funny things so celebrate who is around you and what they mean to you today!

Plans ~ Sometimes plans you have made get put on hold one way or another by things completely out of your control. Don’t be caught spinning in circles while you wait for the next thing. While it looks like nothing is happening in that cocoon or chrysalis from the outside, the inside is experiencing an amazing transformation that needs a certain amount of time to pass. Don’t waste your time while you wait!

Discovery ~ The person I was 30, 20, 10, 5, and 2 years ago was the person in the middle of becoming who I am today. It is easier to be me now, I suppose. There were many bunny trails early on that were distracting although they each helped me learn and better define who (and Whose) I am. And if you learn something from them it wasn’t wasted time. All is redeemable in the hands of God ~ the trick is in learning how to release it to Him and let Him do it in His time!

Beauty ~ There is so much beauty out in the world! ~ in your home, yard, community, state, nation, and the world! Wow! From simple to complex. Open your eyes, heart, and mind and get engaged with the world around you!

Quiet ~ I used to always want music on–even as I was going to bed as a teenager and college student. Now I crave quiet or at least only “natural” noise. I definitely plan to take more time this year to step away from the craziness and celebrate and savor the quiet.

New ~ So much has been “new” for me lately and it is taking a lot more energy than I thought it would to adjust to everything. In general, I don’t mind change. I can handle a few new this and thats but orienting to many new realities at the same time is taking me longer than I thought. Be sure to give yourself some extra margin if you travel down an unfamiliar path!

Trust ~ It takes time to develop relationships with people you trust. I don’t know very many people on personal level in New York besides Don, Elizabeth, and Hannah but I don’t feel like it’s a problem at this point because there are so many different things happening in the adjustment and I can’t imagine adding in other things right now! I know the relationships will come with time. How do I know? When we moved to Evansville in 2006 I only knew Don and our four kids. And as we adjusted and lived and breathed and played in our new town we met lots and lots of precious people. I absolutely trust God will take care of these details again for us in New York.

Perspective ~ Your perspective makes a HUGE difference in what you see. If you are looking for reasons to be miserable (in a marriage, at your job, in your town, in your church) you will likely find your “proof”. If you look for the interesting, the positive, the “good” in any situation, you will likely find that as well. Seek and you will find…so be careful what you are looking for!!!

What did you learn in 2013?

Meaningful Gifting

There seems to be a crazy frenzy around the holidays. Bigger seems better. People look to buy happiness even though deep down inside, if they pause for a moment, they know that a moment of euphoria does not bring lasting satisfaction. The growing consumer debt so common these days often crushes marriage and destroys families with the weight of seemingly insurmountable financial burdens. Why do we want so much? What are we looking for? Will we know it when we find it? Why do we want to keep up with the Joneses when we don’t even like them?

One of the biggest challenges in gift giving is meeting the expectations of others and of ourselves, but gift giving doesn’t have to be about buying anything.

I love the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It has some great insight into relationships and really takes a look at what makes some people tick and I think it is fairly accurate overall. The people close to you want to be known. Can you tell what their dominant language is? Do you know your own? Many of these love languages can cross over into one another and often do. If you are obsessive about the categories you will miss out on the concept. Don’t do that!

The Love Languages (in brief–please get the book from your library and read it!)

Gifts — some people groove on being given what might seem the smallest, most inconsequential treat to you: a hard to find candy bar, a loaf of homemade bread, a bag of incredible coffee, a package of cool notecards, some gluten-free cookies, a great coffee mug, etc. If you bought or made it with them in mind (and I do feel that is the key here) then it is indeed a precious gift.

Time — For some people, making a date for something as simple as a cup of coffee and conversation is a treasured experience. Time together is invaluable. With life moving along at an incredible speed it is important to make and take the time to connect.

Words of Affirmation — Encouragement is certainly not found everywhere. If you find you think and speak encouraging words on a regular basis, then you, my friend, have an important gift. Sometimes a written note gives a gift the recipient can re-read when they are feeling discouraged.

Touch — this love language can get you into trouble if it is your main way of communicating and rightly so. Touch is so personal and clearly not what everyone wants or likes. Be very sensitive to this as you may not know “why” behind it and there may not even be a big “why” behind it. Sometimes it is just how we are wired. If touch is important to you be aware of healthy boundaries. But if you don’t mind giving a foot rub and someone very close to you loves them, wow, that can be a great match!

Acts of Service — many people find themselves so out of time that taking a job off their plate is truly the best gift. An extra set of hands working alongside yours during a difficult time can be a huge blessing. An act of service might be as simple as grabbing a gallon of milk at the store, shoveling the sidewalk for a neighbor, or an hour of free childcare.

Every love language has value. As you mature you might find that you are very open to receiving outside of your preference because you look to the giver and see the thought, sacrifice, and the love behind the gift. You may find that your preferences change with age or as the people in your life change. Probably the most important transition you can make in this area is moving away from always giving what you “speak” as far as languages go and being able to have “basic conversation” in all languages. You may be most fluent in one or two but can adjust to the preferences of others.

As you prepare to give to others during throughout the year, take a step back and think about what and why you give. Establish your boundaries and work to live within them. The expectations of others can often pose a challenge but most people can accept what we do and how we do it….eventually. Sometimes counter cultural action takes a little extra time to process.

And because shopping always seems to make its way into our season, consider shopping small businesses, locally, where you have a connection to the owners, and with those who promote and encourage what is important to your life.

What have been some treasured gifts you have received? What categories do they fall into? Do you seem to have one dominant “love Language”? Or do you find you can speak multiple languages with different people?